Mine =]

the perfection within you

The room is dark.
There is a single chair.
One single chair with one window.
The yellow haze fades in.
Depicting a figure, bent, head down.
The chair is hard, cold.
Just as the wood floor, just as the bare feet touching it.
The taste of silence hovers over still air.
The smell of defeat, bearing all throughout the room.
It's an empty room.
It's just an empty soul.

A heart continuously..Thump..Thump...silence.
What was that sound?
The eyes open, what is left to see?
A small crack in the window.
A few seconds later...another splinter.
A tear rolls down the cheek.
"Why must everything fall apart around me?"
Shifting movement.
Hugging bare knees.

The crack is now a gap.
A speckle of white hits the floor.
-A day in the sun with smiles planted on the faces.

"Stop playing these games"
"Where are they now?"
Another tear.

Time passes.
Knees sore. Heart aching.

Awake.
Space..where has it gone.
Curl up tighter..
invasion.

Speckles of light splotch the bare floor.
Window resembles more of a web then before.
The warm light illuminates the ghastly green of the eye.
Blink. Tears.
Feet on floor.
Cool.
-The cool breeze flowing through my hair.. caressing my neck, laughter follows.
Listening...only silence.
Not as heavy as before.
"stop dreaming, why can't I just forget"

Blink.Window splitting.
Eyes heavy, but lifting.
-Staying up late..waking at 5..only to meet laughter.
"I miss that"
hands rubbing.
"Rub away these cruel thoughts"
Rub away.

Hands drop, air floating by.
Light destroying everything.
heart pounding.
Standing. Chair pushed back.
Window shattered.
Glass glittering on the warm floor boards.

Corners of the mouth turning up.
Eye sparkling.
"please let me never forget"

The room is light.
There is a single chair.
A chair pushed over, a window shattered.
The warmth fades in.
Displaying a young woman, eyes shining.
The chair irrelevant, turned aside.
The skin glistens back to life.
Dropllets form under the suns heat.
The taste of wetness, sinks into every pore.
The smell of spring..
The rays of light..
Bring with them the memories.
The memories repressed, avoided.
But never forgotten.
The inhale of the sweet scent.
The inhale of the past.
Inhale your identity..
Inhale the memories..
the people you love,
Accept the change.
Smile for what you've had..
at peace.

Woot Woot!

On Saturday I got my acceptance letter to Colorado University!!! I'm going to college..my dream school! enough said!

Spring is in the air. We have had weather in the 60's and 70's for the past two days.
The air smells sweet and wet. Yesterday I got up at 7 instead of 8, fixed my cute short hair, went to the bank, got a smoothie, and then went to school. The whole time I was completely content with my life. It's almost been a year now since I went to Washington D.C. yet my head is constantly filled with the memories. The people I met there were amazing, I found my first glimpse of what love is, and I got to experience a new city all on my own. Every scent, touch, and feeling I'd had comes straight back to me with every memory. I want to travel around the world and have these kinds of memories to look back on my entire life. I think it's pure happiness. =] =] =]

How do I make it stop!?!

I'm almost 18..been driving about 2 almost 3 years.
Yet I have been in four accidents. All of which were not my fault!
Today Haley backed out in the school parking lot..up back out RIGHT INTO MY TRUCK!
UGH! It was lame..but I love her so no hard feelings.

It's going to "snow" tonight, thus everyone runs to the store to buy in bulk. You would think it was the end of the world was coming, when in reality we will have one inch of snow in the morning and some sleet. God I miss Minnesota! So due to the large amount of people I had to bag up front..ew...I hate bagging.

SNOW DAY! Ok well tomorrow will be a snow day! I just found out the canceled school..haha St.Louis makes me laugh!
There are 90 people on FB..yet I am not talking to anyone.

You fade in and out like a unmistakable dream,
each encounter more irrelevant then the next.
Yet the glitter of your smile,
the way my stomach turns inside out,
just at the mention of your name,
seems to command the attention of my very existence.
Those silly dimonds on your chest, make you more adorable then you shall ever know.
The sweet tune you play on that rustic guitar craves my admiration.
Your art is dark and vast, the inspiration cunning and true,
sensible and on cue.
I take in as a black whole swallows.
I soak up everything about you..
I love you more then I could ever love myself.
But who are you? And where have you gone.
This facade you held up at the naked bulb strips me of assurance.
If all is real, then aren't we all trivial?
I crave an existence that had only proven a fraud.
I yearn for a spectacle, an allusion you created.
Then what does this make me?
Where am I? and Who am I?
Oh shit, I don't know.
I am your creation, just as you are mine.
Thrive baby, and do it relentlessly.

Update

I love Photo II!
I was quite annoying today tho..I get so anxious when handling and developing film.
I'm pretty sure every one in the dark room wanted to hurt me.
The first shoot was horrible..I'm quite embarrassed by the photos I took.
Although I did print a 5x7 today of one of the photos..and I must say the focus is wonderful =].
Photography makes every thing balance out in my life.

Mr. EHS tickets went on sale today...Madness.

I've made a huge transition in my life over these past 2-3 years.
With the whole parent/family thing...Breaking away from friends..who weren't really friends..Washington D.C...
A lot of that time was spent by myself..without much outside advice/support.

For a time..and still kind of now..I find it very hard to connect and talk to others.
I used to talk way to much, in a loud animated manner.
But these past years have been filled with silence and doubt.

Yet today I caught a glimmer of my old self..It felt amazing.

I try to love myself for who I am, for everything that has shaped me..but there are parts about me that are so dark it scares me.
Not dark as in goth or anything..just as in empty.
Suicide I think about it quite often..but understand it is something I would never do.
I have too many dreams for my future..too many things i want to see..places to go.

Well, I've digressed.. what I'm trying to say is just by having two hours of photography every day I feel enlightened and refreshed. I really do love it. Yet I don't really pursue it outside of school. I think I should. I think I might.

It's time for bed.
Goodnight =]

Mind Splotch

Share with me your heart, I will try not to devour your existence.
For my soul is a black hole, my heart an empty abyss.
Share with me your warmth, I will try not to ....

Still working on this...
I made this blog intending to finish this thought..but am now distracted.
Sorry.

Keenan came up with this awesome project/social experiment.
The idea is to have as many Eureka students as possible to submit a poem.
Then once every one has submitted a poem by Jan 30th we make copies and hand them out as a final document.

I'm so excited..it's going to be a great insight on some of my peers thoughts and deeper realties.

Well this was a waste of a blog.
But I'm always drained after a fight with my mother..
Actually it wasn't really a fight because I didn't say anything..Just kind of took the crap..
I really think she is losing her mind.
Some of the crap she says is so far gone...

Waiting..Counting down the days....
College is coming soon...just not soon enough.

Portrait

Well some time in the next week or so I will be shooting a film/digital photography shoot for photo II!!!! I love photography class..It's wonderful. My last shoot was horrible tho...just in a bad mood/ Didn't want to shoot on school grounds!
I have a great idea for my self portrait shoot!!!
Well It snowed today..the lighting was really soothing so I took a few shots to practice.
Sorry if it all seems a little vain...I just want to be comfortable shooting myself..come next week!

Realize

I've decided.

I've decided I do not wish to fall in love..but instead be in love.
I do not want my world to be completely turned around.
I don't want to change.
First date awkwardness..no thank you.
Keep those hideously cheesy lines to yourself..even if you mean them.
Don't buy me flowers.
We shouldn't have a calling schedule.

No! Keep all of that.

No I want something more.
I want to wake up in the morning and walk into the kitchen..
See you chowing down a bowel of Cheerios while reading a book.
To Realize for the first time just how adorable you are when you are being nerdy.
I want to watch you play the guitar for hours without you noticing me.
Not because I think it's sexy.
But because I've realized for the first time how much you inspire me.
And when you you play the first song you learned..just from habit.
I will smile. Realizing how truly humbling you are.
And in the car ride home I want to sit there and peer out at the stars.
I want to lose myself in thought and silence for just a few minutes of the day.
And when we get home and you look at me with those eyes.
I will realize just how much I love you.
Realize how comfortable I am around you.
Thank you for understanding me like nobody else.
I want to be able to just take one look at those beautiful eyes and realize you love me too.
I don't need a romantic gesture.
All I need is you.

**So ya here I am on the night before I go back to school. dreading the long night ahead of me ((due to staying up past 3 every night this week)) just brushing my teeth..Brush Brush Brush. When BAM I just randomly start this monologue in my head. I don't know..Just thought it was lovely.

Art

“ Nothing is original. Steal from anywhere that resonates with inspiration or fuels your imagination. Devour old films, new films, music, books, paintings, photographs, poems, dreams, random conversations, architecture, bridges, street signs, trees, clouds, bodies of water, light and shadows. Select only things to steal from that speak directly to your soul. If you do this, your work (and theft) will be authentic. Authenticity is invaluable; originality is non-existent. And don’t bother concealing your thievery - celebrate it if you feel like it. In any case, always remember what Jean-Luc Godard said: “It’s not where you take things from - it’s where you take them to."
— Jim Jarmusch

I cannot say I'm really an artist.
I have been in choir throughout all of my schooling..yet do not love it.
Drawing, Painting, anything of that nature is foreign to me.
Writing..lets just say my words don't impress me.
Instruments? Horrible rhythm, yet still pursuing the Guitar.
Dance? Always doubted myself.
Acting? NO!
Music..Inspires but nothing more.

Yet I admire art. I would love to see a ballet in New York or Paris.
Photography is a distant love of mine.
I know nothing of art, only what I hear and see.

I feel as though, I'm not really alive.
Trapped.
Every inspiration..is smother by the hatred I feel.
The anger towards my family.
Frustration of high school.
I just want to get out.
Absorb the outside world.
I depend on attention, I'm insecure, I'm terrified.
Yet if only I could get out, see the world.
Discover myself.
Would I be happy?
Could I devour the world around me?
Would I respect it?

So many people have dreams about their jobs and how they might acquire them,
their families', and future homes.

First thing in College I want to buy an old book of assorted poems and spend everyday reading a new one.
Buy a really nice camera and take pictures of anything and everything.
Yoga.
Take a road trip to the Grand Cannon.
Study Abroad.
Just live life.
Sit in a cafe for hours..without noticing any one else.
Learn to Snow Board
Open my own Cafe..
One where each person can request a book for the store..

I'm waiting.
Waiting for life.
Waiting to live the life I feel I deserve.
I sit here day after day.
Wasting the time I have until I can be free.
Until I am truly independent.
Until I am out of my parents house.
I know if I stay in this place..this state
I will amount to nothing.
Travel is freedom
Travel is beauty
Travel is the art I crave.